baffled

“Hey, how are you?”

“Hello there. I’m fine, busy as usual, but I’m fine. How are you?” I was actually so excited to get a message from you. It’s been a while since we last exchanged pleasantries.

Or so I thought. I thought it would just be another of our usual talk – the hi-hello thing. But it was not.

“I’m fine. Just about to sleep. Pero mamaya na lang, I just finished eating. At online ka e. So how are you? You’re always busy you don’t have time for dates, huh?”

“Date? Nah. La ako mabola e. Hahaha!” As usual, I try to make our conversation light and fun. Date?? How I wish that it would be you.

“Mabola? You don’t have to do that. Ikaw pa! You’re kidding me.”

“No, really. I don’t. And I thought you said you’re going to look for a date for me. San na?”

“Kaka-offend ka naman.”

“Huh? But why? What did I do??” I was shocked and worried. What did I do?

“Hey! What did I do?!”

“Nag-a-apply na nga ako tapos nagpapahanap ka pa sa’kin. Kaka-offend. Tsk, tsk, tsk.”

“Hahaha! ‘Kaw talaga! Apply ka dyan. Married ka na nga, apply ka pa. Tsk, tsk, tsk.” Whew! What a relief?! I thought I did something bad.

“I’m not married. Pero offended na ako. Sakit. Tsk, tsk, tsk.”

“Hahaha! ‘Kaw talaga! Denial king! You’re funny.”

“Really, I’m not yet married. Bakit ka ba nawala? Where did you go?”

“What? Nawala? Ako? Ikaw nga nawala e. You asked me to wait for you. So I did. Then I just found out you’re getting married. Or already married?? Hahaha!” I was trying to laugh at it, but I was serious. I did wait for you.

“Wait daw! Hmp! You were not even talking to me.”

“Hindi nga. I did wait for you. Hahaha! Ikaw yung nawala e. Haha! Seriously, what happened to you? I’m just curious.” Really, I’m curious. I really want to know whatever happened to you. You simply dropped out from the race.

“Well, I got shy.”

“Shy?”

“Yeah, shy. I realized that it’s not nice to say serious stuff to someone you’ve just met. Gets mo?”

“Hindi! Labo mo! Haha!”

“I mean, we haven’t seen each other for a long time, right? At ang suplada mo kasi. Mahiyain ka ba?”

“Suplada ba ako? ‘Di naman a. But I always do get that first impression – that I am suplada. Maybe I’m just a shy person. Haha!”

“Yeah, mahiyain ka nga. I can tell. In your pictures, you look like suplada. When we met in my house during the party, mahiyain ka din. Actually, I wanted to talk to you but we were all busy. At naunahan ako ng hiya e.”

“E ikaw pala mahiyain! Tapos tatanungin mo ako kung mahiyain ako. Haha! Ikaw nga ‘di namamansin nung nasa bahay tayo.”

“I admitted it, I got shy! I really wanted to talk to you but I got shy. What about you? What was your first impression about me?”

“Hmmm. You want to hear the truth?? Hehehe.” Should I really say it?

“Yes, please.”

“Hmmm. The first time we talked, I remembered how you were when we were still kids. And the first time you called, I know that you were still the same boy I knew twelve years back.”

“And what about the boy you knew twelve years back?”

“You were this quiet and gentle boy. You’re still the same. Bolera ako! Hahaha!”

“Sweet naman. Bolera ka talaga!”

“Hahaha! ‘Di naman. If I were a bolera, sana may nabola na ako ngayon. Hahaha! Ikaw nga ang bolero. Hehe.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Haha! Seriously, bola ka lang dati ‘no? Scripted. Hehe.”

“No, I was serious. Ikaw lang ayaw maniwala e. I did everything but you just won’t believe.”

“E kasi naman, who would believe?? How can you say all those things? It’s been more than a decade since we last saw each other, right? So it’s just normal to be doubtful.”

“Yeah, doubtful. But I did everything.”

“Yeah. There was a time when you started calling frequently. And sent text messages almost everyday. And the flowers, of course.”

“See? I did everything. You just didn’t want to believe. I know it was doubtful, that’s why I sent the flowers.”

“Hmmm.” And here it goes! Should I say what I’m about to say?? I think it’s better if I just keep quiet.

“’Hmmm’ what?” I was hoping you’d never ask.

“Uhmm, are you sure you really want to know?”

“Yes.”

“Actually, it got me thinking.”

“About what?”

“I mean, all those things, it got me thinking. All the effort - it wasn’t easy. You call, you send text messages – from overseas! And of course, the flowers. So it got me thinking.”

“Yun na nga e. I did everything. That’s what I thought. With all that kind of effort, you’d still turn me down.”

“Well, I was about to believe you, but then you suddenly weren’t there anymore.” Oh my! I can’t believe I said those things!

“Maybe when you were starting to believe me, I lost my hopes already.”

“Well, yeah. It wasn’t meant to be.” Yes, that’s what I’ve been telling myself ever since the day I realized how sincere you were. And I’m actually having a hard time convincing myself that it really wasn’t meant to be.

“At least you’re okay now. You’re happy.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you’re okay now. You’ve got a girlfriend. Kasama mo pa, I’m sure you’re happy.”

“Yes, I’m happy. But I’m happy with you, too.”

Darn it! I can’t believe you just said that! I’m not sure if I should be happy or irritated with that. How many times should I hear that line?? It felt weird.

“Huy! Ano ka ba?! Don’t be like that, that’s not nice. Kita mo na! That’s the reason why it’s taking too long for other people, especially girls, to think.” But honestly, you broke my heart. How I wish I could tell you otherwise.

“Onga. Sorry.”

“You should be happy. And I’m sure you are. You shouldn’t be feeling any other feelings.”

“I try not to. Yes, I’m happy, I have a nice fiancé. But sometimes it’s getting hard.”

Darn it! You’re breaking my heart even more! I wanted to ask you to stop talking to me like that. But I did not.

“TRY talaga diba?! Haha! I guess it’s but normal for any relationship to have trials.”

“I know. But sometimes I just want to give up.”

If only I could ask you to please do give up! But of course I won’t. Never.

“Don’t say that. You’ll both get through it. At least after that you’ll realize that you can do it.”

“Hmmm. Hopefully. Bakit ka ba kasi nawala? Where were you?”

“Ha? Ano bang nawala?”

“You’re always late and lost when I am here.”

Stooooooooooop! Just stop it! I can’t take that anymore! I’ve been trying hard to convince myself that it was never meant to be. So please don’t make it any harder for me.

“Hahaha! ‘Kaw talaga!”

“Sige, I’ve got to go. I need to go to sleep, work pa tomorrow. I’ll try to call you tomorrow from the office. Can I?”

It was a simple question that needed a simple answer. But for me, it wasn’t. Why would I say no? I really wouldn’t mind if you’d call. But saying yes would only mean I have to convince myself harder that IT REALLY WAS NOT MEANT TO BE!

“No problem. Good night.”

“Thanks. And thank you for believing me.”

“Hahaha! Thanks thanks.”

“Good night. Ingat ka sa pag-uwi ha.”

I was left stunned after that conversation. Halos lahat dinaan ko sa tawa at joke – our usual way of talking. But it wasn’t one of our usual hi-hello thing. Well, at least not for me. The day I started entertaining the thought that you were really serious was also the day I realized you were no longer there - that you decided to quit the race. This got me thinking a lot. I asked myself why. I asked myself if it was my fault. But then I couldn’t say that. So I forced myself to believe that it was really not meant to be. And I have accepted that fact.

Now you’re getting married. I’m happy for you. Really. We never had the chance to be really together so I guess it’s no big deal if you’re getting married. We have never even talked about us seriously. Not until now.

It should have not transpired. It left me thinking more. Is it really not meant to be? Is it too late? I really don’t want to know. Now, I find myself once again pulling away from people who should have been close to me. I ask myself, do I always have to do that in order for them to move on and go on with their chosen lives?

I was living a happy and quiet life until this conversation happened. I can’t ask, “what now?” because there’s nothing to expect. At some point, I regret having said the things I’ve kept inside me. I shouldn’t have said that I was about to believe you back then. Dapat hindi na lang.

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This is an excerpt from a fictional conversation between two friends last Friday, 29 July 2005. Anumang pagkakatulad sa tunay na pangyayari ay hindi sinasadya.

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(originally posted on Monday, 1 August 2005)